Forgive Me
by TweetyPie85
Summary: After Bella's changed, she finds a moment to tell Carlisle the truth about her transformation. But what happens when the one person she's desperate to hide the truth from finds out?


**Forgive Me**

Dark clouds swirled malignantly across the horizon and as I watched, a fine mist of rain descended upon the trees and pattered gently against the window. I cringed then suddenly smiled; though I knew that the rain and cold would no longer affect me, years of battling with bulky, shapeless layers and waterproof jackets made it hard to dismiss my typically human reaction so easily. Inhaling deeply, I could almost taste the cloying moisture as it pelted relentlessly against the damp earth. Yet as a subtle perfume blent with the heady scent, my attention was instantly diverted and as the familiar arms slipped around me, I turned easily in the loose embrace to meet his expectant gaze.

"I won't be long," he promised, the reluctance slowing his movements as he reached up to run his hand over my cheek and jaw. Swallowing hard as I fought to resist my reaction to his touch and remain in control, I rose onto my tiptoes and placed a soft kiss to his cheek.

"Take the car," I breathed as I pulled back.

"Bella, I don't need…"

"Humour me," I interjected as he made to protest, snatching the keys off the table where I had left them and dropping them into his hand, "I'm still getting used to all this."

"Bella…" he began again, a mixture of exasperation and amusement playing across his features.

"Hurry back," I finished for him, pushing him gently towards the door. He sighed in resignation before the habitually crooked grin pulled at his lips. I had barely registered the wicked glitter in his eyes when his lips suddenly pressed fervently against mine. My exclamation of surprise caught in my throat yet before I had a chance to protest he had gone, disappearing through the door into the hallway.

I waited until the purr of the Volvo had entirely faded away before I moved, striding purposefully towards the room on the first floor. My plan had gone off without even the hint of a hitch and as I released the breath I hadn't realised I had been holding, I found myself frenetically thanking whatever strange mechanism shielded my thoughts from my husband's quick mind. My insides ached at the thought of having deceived Edward but the opportunity had presented itself and I had been forced to seize it. He would never have agreed to leave me alone. Nothing would ever be important enough to warrant that, he'd argue; nothing but a direct request from me. When Alice had mentioned in passing that perhaps I might like some items from my old room for our new home, I had pounced on her suggestion with an uncharacteristic and somewhat ridiculous enthusiasm. Even on a Monday morning, the chance that I might accidentally bump into Charlie had instantly negated any idea of my accompanying Edward.

Twenty minutes was all I could count on, given his unparalleled speed and reckless driving. It would be enough, it had to be.

It seemed an age ago since Edward had led me tentatively along this very passageway, so afraid that each morsel of knowledge he was desperate to share might be too much, the final word that pushed me indefinitely beyond his reach. Yet I had fallen so easily into his world, almost as though I had been born just to fit into this role. It was this final thought that strengthened my resolve as I paused outside the door and raised my hand to knock. My knuckles had barely made contact with the wood however, when I heard his voice issue from within, inviting me in. Closing my eyes for the briefest moment, I turned the handle and stepped inside.

The desk lamp was on, the light falling full on his face as he looked up from the heavy volume he was perusing. The amber glow threw the lines of his face into sharp relief. In another this would have cruelly highlighted even the most minor of defects but it merely made his face even more beautiful; breathtakingly perfect and yet poignantly so.

"Bella?" he queried, brow furrowing as he registered my trepidation, "What's the matter? Where's Edward?"

"I sent him to get some of my stuff from Charlie's," I explained quickly, still hovering by the door, "I needed to talk to you."

"Of course," he replied without a moment's hesitation, "come on in."

In one fluid movement, he had pushed the books aside and risen to sit in one of the leather armchairs by the window. Gesturing to the other, he waited patiently as I deliberately closed the door and moved to take my place opposite him.

Now that the moment I had been preparing for had finally arrived, I found myself lost for words. The soft, concerned gaze before me would surely shatter beneath the knowledge I was about to reveal and I recoiled inwardly at the thought of hurting him, but I had no choice. Edward would be back soon; it was now or never. Knotting my hands on my knees, I took a deep breath in.

"When Edward changed me," I began, my voice hitching involuntarily over the beloved name, "well I felt it, everything."

My gaze never left his and I watched earnestly as the frown deepened upon his perfect brow.

"But the morphine…" he interjected, but my head was already shaking its reply. I watched miserably as the emotions flickered across his face: confusion, disappointment, realisation and then pain, an agony that burned feverishly in his golden eyes.

"Bella," he breathed, the grief of a father on beholding an injured daughter lacing his tone, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," I hastily assured him, "it wasn't your fault. We didn't know what would happen, we just had to try."

"But the pain," he continued, leaning towards me as though he could prise the truth from my eyes. I dropped my gaze to the floor, afraid of what he might read in my crimson eyes as the memory rose fresh before me. The relentless burning, obliterating all coherent thought, the silent screams, begging for release, for death. Yet another memory, that of a bundle, hot and sticky pressed close against my chest soothed the anguish, easily dousing out the flames and my head rose again.

"I don't regret my decision," I murmured quietly, the sincerity of my words marking my features and pulling the corners of my lips into a smile, "not for a minute."

"And Edward?" queried Carlisle and my smile instantly faltered.

"I don't want him to know," I whispered, balking at the thought of Edward's tortured expression, "he'd never forgive himself."

Carlisle nodded sadly in agreement. He knew his son well enough to know of his tendency to shoulder the responsibility for everything, even for things far beyond his control.

"It'll be hard to keep it from him," he added and I instantly knew what he feared; one slip and his mind might unwittingly reveal what I had struggled so desperately to conceal.

"I know," I admitted, "but you had to know the truth. Just in case, next time…"

"I don't think there'll be a next time," Carlisle interrupted with a slight smile yet the sound of an approaching engine stole the rest of his words.

"Edward," I said simply, my eyes flickering momentarily to the window and back to his again.

"I'll do my best," he assured, perhaps reading the sudden desperation in my gaze.

Touched by the almost paternal expression on his face, I smiled hopefully.

"Thank you."

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The rain had persisted all evening and the clock was close to striking midnight when the clouds finally parted a fraction to reveal a pale and watery moon. My family were scattered across the living room, paired up on the floor or on the sofa. Conversation was sparse and even then muted as though in reverence of the silence that had naturally descended as the sky darkened. Edward was across the room from me and my attention was focused on my daughter slumbering peacefully in my arms yet I sensed the subtle change and for a split second I raised my gaze.

"No!"

Edward's cry resonated in the silence like a clash of swords and everyone about me visibly jumped, their eyes turning to him confusion.

"Edward! What happened? What did you hear?"

Their voices chimed like bells yet he ignored them, his gaze merely flashing between me and Carlisle, the horror of what he had learnt contorting his features into a mask of agony. I didn't need Carlisle's whispered apology to know what had happened and I immediately rose to try and explain. Yet in that instant, he turned and barely a moment later, the crash of the back door as it was hurled from its frame reverberated around the room.

I knew I had to hurry. Slipping Renesmee quickly into her grandmother's waiting arms, I ran out of the room, barely conscious of the curious gazes boring into my back, and through the door that now stood open into the cold night. Peering into the shadows, I struggled to catch a glimpse of his hair, the glow of his skin in the moonlight. Yet everything about me seemed still, stunned into silence. Closing my eyes, I fought to release my mind from the fear of what he'd be thinking, what he'd be feeling, and focus instead on his scent. It hung thick in the air and without thinking, I plunged into the darkness after it, the wind whistling in my ears as my heightened senses drew me onwards.

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Gradually, the trees began to thin, the thick undergrowth spreading lazily out across the ground. Brambles and vines no longer clambered thickly between the trunks, claiming governance of every spare corner and impeding my progress. As the familiar fragrance grew stronger I knew I was close yet even so, the sight of his immobile figure as I emerged into the small glen caught me by surprise. His back was to me, his posture as rigid as though it had been carved from marble. He must have heard me approach, hastening to close the distance between us, but he gave no sign that he was aware of my presence. Bracing myself for the anguish, the self doubt that would surely fall from his lips, I walked slowly towards him. "Edward…"

At the sound of my voice, he wheeled slowly round to face me.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

The words he fairly hissed at me cracked like a whip in the silence, rage blistering wildly in his golden eyes. His anger disarmed me entirely and I froze in surprise. I had seen Edward angry before: had witnessed the fierce contraction of his eyes as he sized up his enemies, had memorised the timbre of the low growl that broke from his chest before he attacked. But he had never unleashed his temper on me before.

"How could you keep that from me? To let me believe I had saved you from the pain when all the time…. Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

His torrent of anger crashed against me like a rock suspended in the sea, helpless in the face of such unrestrained fury.

"I didn't want to hurt you," I replied as soon as I had recovered enough to be able to construct a sentence. The simple statement sounded pathetic to my own ears, the irony almost painful.

"And Carlisle?" he snapped angrily, "how long…"

"I only just told him…"

"Today," he interrupted, the realisation dawning across his features before his eyes darkened again with deepest betrayal, "that's why you wanted me to leave."

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

For a moment he merely stared at me, as though he was seeing me for the first time, before his tone dropped down to a deadly whisper.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" he breathed.

I swallowed hard, my mind racing with possible answers, answers that wouldn't hurt him further. Yet my moment's indecision seemed to confirm his worst fears more absolutely than any words could have.

With a low growl he stepped forwards, the fire re-stoked and blazing in his topaz eyes. Though I was now as indestructible as he, my frame as solid and unbreakable as it had once been fragile, I was for a fleeting moment more afraid of him than I ever had been as a human. A sluggish breath caught in my throat and I involuntarily pulled back. Perhaps it was the natural response of a hunter to being cornered by another, or merely the non confrontational aspect of my personality that had been so potent in my past coming to light. Whatever the reason, the movement halted him in his tracks. The molten liquid of his eyes that had a moment ago smouldered so intensely suddenly froze over, the effect similar to someone blowing out the only candle in a dark room. I glanced up, scanning his expression, desperate to know what he was thinking.

"Edward," I murmured, my voice trembling as I reached a hand out towards him, "please…"

Before I could stop him, before I even realised what he was planning, he collapsed on his knees at my feet, his perfect hands tangling in his hair. A groan of sheer agony escaped his lips and his shoulders shook with silent sobs. As his eyes rose slowly up to meet mine, I was certain in that instant that my heart had somehow been restored to me. I could feel it throbbing painfully under my ribs before ripping open as I watched the emotions mar his beautiful features: regret, anguish, self-loathing and something that strangely resembled fear.

"I did it," he whispered in an almost crazed fashion, staring unseeingly at me, "I finally did it. After all this time..."

"What did you do? What are you talking about?" I asked in a low tone when his words melted into silence, utterly perplexed at his reaction. Moving slowly to sit opposite him, I made to take his hand but he was quicker. Reaching out, his hand looked as though it was going to cup my face but his fingers curled just short of my cheek.

"Bella," he whispered to himself, the raw emotion in his voice sending a chill down my spine, his eyes unfathomable in the darkness, "I didn't need to read her mind to see it. It was here…"

His hand moved to caress the area inches above my brow.

"And here…" his fingers stirred the tendrils of hair by my left eye.

"The fear…"

The anguish twisted his lips into a grimace and he hastily withdrew, his hands clenching into identical fists on his legs as his eyes gazed dejectedly into mine. I instantly realised what he was thinking and kicking myself inwardly for my earlier reaction, involuntary as it may have been, I reached out and pressed my lips fiercely against his.

"I'm not afraid of you," I breathed vehemently as I pulled away, "I love you."

"I'm sorry," he murmured, prising my hands away from his face, "I was angry, so angry but I'd never hurt you. Never."

"I know," I whispered, smiling sadly up at him, "I'm sorry. I should have told you instead of letting you find out like that. I was just worried that you'd be upset, that you'd regret your decision to change me."

"The pain," he suddenly broke in, his hands tightening around mine, eyes suddenly aflame, "you were so still…how did you bear it?"

I smiled slightly as I recalled the curiosity in Carlisle's eyes as he had asked me the very same question a few short hours ago. Pressing his perfect fingers gently, I replied simply, "You."

I nearly laughed at the expression on his face; shock and confusion fought equally across his features and I could almost see the thoughts and questions speeding through his mind.

"I heard you next to me," I explained quickly, knowing his impatience wouldn't allow me to draw the truth out for much longer, "felt you touch me. I knew you were waiting for me and that's all I needed.

"That's all I'll ever need," I added softly, finally raising my eyes up from our tangled hands to meet his.

"You'll always have me," he murmured, his eyes burning bright as he released my hands and reached for me, "I'll always be here, waiting for you."

I leaned willingly into his embrace, turning my cheek into his hand and closing my eyes to breathe in deep the scent of him, the sweet fragrance filling my mind.

"Bella…" he breathed against my hair and sensing the uncertainty in his tone, I turned hastily to meet his gaze.

"Our first fight as a married couple," he stated, his lips twitching and laughter dancing deep in his eyes, "do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive," I whispered with a small smile and readily closed the distance between us again.

The stars crept out and silently took their positions in the inky sky, twinkling as brightly as they dared in the darkness. My eyes however were blind to their beauty; blind to everything except the arms encircling my waist, the soft lips against mine and the golden gaze that glittered at intervals as though with tears and promises of forever.


End file.
